When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
How about daylight saves us for once
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.