“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Breakfast for Stoners:
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Meow
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.