Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively