*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Woke up against my better judgment again
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?