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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Previously On Persistence 😎
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet