HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Ha.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.