I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Rooting for the overdog
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.