[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
🤣🤣🤣
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
fair
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
what