My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The pasta is now
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Did my cat write this
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney