Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.