Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
You Might Also Like
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??