I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Tammy is short for Tamuel
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.