Tough love is true love
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.