CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
The asteroid..
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
eggs benadryl
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.