Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.