Florida be like…
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.