I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine