Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
No. YOU-buprofen.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.