You Might Also Like
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Put my back out twerking in the library again
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”