Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
okay run it by me one more time
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.