God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
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The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Things will get butter, keep churning
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.