I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.