Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*watches the world burn*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.