When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My favorite female superhero
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.