girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go