Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Anyone really
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.