To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
We’ve come full circle
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?