very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*