Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.