Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I put the hot in psychotic.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
When a shoelace touches your ankle