Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
For the baby who has everything
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently