Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.