dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Straight people are cancelled
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”