My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
NASA has no chill
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses