“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door