Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
How funny!
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Terribly Tuesday.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.