That’s a good costume, I hope.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.