I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”