I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT