The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
do what now??
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
i love meeting boys on tinder
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.