When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
When you’ve simply given up.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials