[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot