GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
This is my brand.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember