I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.