[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.