[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.