We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Oh deer
This hospital has everything