When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool