“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
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In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken