What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Why does laundry happen to good people?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.